Heart

Nomikudashi te ha mune ga itamu..

Humans easily can change their feelings, right?

I.. don't want to argue with her about this "best friend" of hers anymore..
I've had it enough.. I already told her everything, and do everything I could, hoping that she won't get hurt anymore..

And now, I couldn't stand to look how she's hurting, deep down inside her.. it's tearing her apart..

Yet she stay strong like nothing happened.. how can she do that?

Thing is.. he's ignoring her, and I've lost count of how many times he did this to her..
Been busy with life? That's just a lie right?

She knows this, I've said it, but she didn't listen, I've told her..
He even forgot her birthday.. and for me, that is unforgivable..
She said "it's okay", and smile as she always did..

The smile that always masked her sad face, her true expression..

But I can tell by her look and wanted to tell her "you're not okay, damn it!"
 

She.. my real self, always try to find the good in people.. and doesn't mind of getting hurt in the process....

I'm at a loss.. don't know what to do..
I can only pray and hope she'll always stay strong with everything that will happened to her..

But it's okay..

Yume mo kunou mo subete kako he..

Since all dreams and agonies will become the past.. 

Reality.... or illusion.......

Life, never third without twice..

.. to me..
I don't know what to say..
Probably because I just.. it's killing me from the inside....
This is not the first time, nor the second time..
People always said "third's time the charm", right?
I guess it's like "third's time the omen" for me.. precisely..

Well, guess I've been busy with everything till I ever barely had any rest, even just one damn bit...
Life's always have been cruel to me, torturing me non-stop..
The only things that keeps me going is because of "her".. 
.. which is; my other side, it is....

Exactly of what my expression would be..
Only God knows how painful it were..
At times, I felt like giving up on this life..
No reason to live anymore..
But my other self always being optimist and told me to never give up..
Even though there's no more dreams and hopes for me?


"For you can create a better dreams and hopes that way, my dear.."
How? Is it possible for such a nihilistic person as the like of me?
"Yes, anything is possible dear.. If you can't, then I will.. for you...."

It's just.. hurt.. to know that someone you know very well, for a very long time..
Suddenly leaving you like that, without a word..
Leaving us all alone just to be with someone else..
What are of us then?
A doll? Used and then thrown away?
Reason? There's a reason for that?
Even so, still.. how could.. they..
Nevermind..

Tears couldn't stop them from doing so..
Tears.. the only words heart cannot say..
What else could be all said and done then?

I'm sorry, I know I made no sense with what I'd write so please ignore it..

Sorry for the late post too.. guess I'm a bit down..
It's not recent though, it's something that happened for 7 months already..
How should I put it into words..?
I guess I got dumped.. ahaha....
It's okay really, don't worry.... I guess it's nothing, don't worry about it..
I didn't say anything right? Ahaha..

Life's too cruel at times, but that's what makes us stronger, and wiser.. I guess....

Never mind, I think I'll stop now..
Lots of things troubled my mind.. and I haven't solved a single problem out of it..


Reality.... or illusion.......

Life, so much it messed up

So much things, in just a few months..

Wondering.. everything's about hope, dream, those days that couldn't never come back..

Everything.. going back to the past couldn't change anything.. heck, even going back to the past is impossible..

Not dwelling about the past, just couldn't help but to reminisce it..

Jealousy huh.. it seems so.. I am having that feeling everyday..

Seeing everyone's trying their best in their life.. and here, feeling so worthless..

I don't know why I felt that way..

Maybe because I never tried the best in my life, always being a pessimist and all..

I guess I'm a freaking idiot....

Lots of things had happened around me, I could say..

Humans are such hypocrites, aren't they? Though I don't have the right to say that.. cuz I'm the same....

A hypocrite, too..

Let's start this troublesome story....

Somehow, it's confusing me..

To see a break-up couple was still arguing over trivial matters until now..

Come on, why don't you two find something else to do? Sigh, this is just ridiculous..

Even after breaking up, you two still had fight and trying to hurt each others' feeling just to satisfy yourselves.. and to make it seems like you're a winner..

Come on, grow up already! Such childishness....

But that still doesn't make me feel better, seeing those two still.. or let's just say that they would turned out being arch-enemies forever..

Sigh, let's forget about that.. kinda itching to kill those two actually, but oh well.. the hell am I saying..

I was wondering how it is going between me and him..

My other self was the one who started this anyway, since she's.. well.. forget it..

I am restless, letting her replied that e-mail.. but I guess there's nothing I could do..

It hurts, deep inside my heart.. I don't know why..

To be honest, I missed him.. sorely....

Wish I could talked to him..

And I could, actually.. but I somehow feel that it would turned out being much worse..

I'm sorry....

I'm truly sorry.......

Reality.... or illusion.......

Untitled>cruel life

Guess it was all the same.. just like 2 years ago....
Sigh, I'm not surprised though.. kinda expected it, but still.. it was painful....
To realized after a year, I was used.. again, just like 2 years ago..



I guess I could say that I'm kinda like a tool.. some advantage for certain people to be used..
In the end, what they said were all lies..
A leftover, I am..

Even though and still, thanks to a certain person who genuinely cares about me..
Not like the others, faking it.. and using me as their tool for their needs..
Then again, I'm used to it.. human are such hypocrite.... aren't they?


Reality.. or illusion....

Just a feeling..

.. that a lot of people out there, reading my blog and saying that-

"Everything she wrote was a lie"

or..

"Writing for sympathy, such pathetic"

-something like that..

Not that I cared though..


Reality.. or illusion....

Obsession

Change the title and all the content from "Betrayal" to "Obsession"


If there's any real reason why I would change the topic, guess because what's been happening to my other self, the true me.. I'm just her other side..


I guess this is the only one I'll take over her blog writing without her permission.. cuz I know she'll stop at nothing if she know what I was writing and what I was up to..


First thing would be is, sorry to a certain person for doing this..
Stop being with her anymore..


So let's started this anyway..


Hm, lovers over friends.. the closest over the farthest.. the best over the worst..


Well, the choices are obvious.. but at times, do you have to ignored someone when he/she is the one who helped you through the bad times you're being with your lover?


I guess I was lied enough by a certain person about he's not trusting anyone..
In the end, I'm the one who couldn't trust him, anymore..


You don't have a good friend.. then there's someone who's willing to listen to your problems and help you even though he/she lives far away from your home, and now that you have someone to be with around you; you completely ignore your old friend..


It feels like the parallel hearts have gone the opposite symmetrical line the other way around..
Chasing a different sky, cuz the hearts was never the same anymore..


Life was never the same when friends that you treasure never cares about you, ignoring you and be with the others.. I wonder, that why people's heart are easily changed from time to time..
Sigh, though I don't have the right to say that.. because it's also the same for me..
My heart changed, too..


Then, I'll say goodbye to you cuz I know those beloved days won't ever come back to me, and to us..
Sorry for making countless mistakes when I was with you.. Even if it won't stop, can I still laugh with you?
I guess I couldn't after all, sorry for being a coward..


It's okay if you would ever forget me, but I'll never forget being with you..
"Thank you" from the bottom of my heart..
To bid farewell with smile on the face while holding back the tears is so hard, it hurts..


I don't want to see her sorrowful, neither feeling down nor sad anymore, so I guess it's a goodbye..
Sorry for doing this..
This is for the best, that I wanted to see her happy.. without darkness inside her of feeling down when being with you..


Sayonara....


Reality.... or illusion.......

reality

She was wrong..

Well, I won't deny everything what she did write in her last post..

But she was wrong at some point..

Living in a reality world is like looking yourself in the mirror..

And said "I do exist, right?" then, try pinch your cheek as hard as you could..

Well, of course it hurts.. if you didn't feel anything that means you're still in your dream world.. perhaps....

And you should realize that "you" in the mirror imitates everything what you've done..

I know it sounds like a childish example.. well, it is for sure..

But now you know that you are living in a reality..

If you are still so unsure about it, then asks everyone that you have known and met in this life of yours..

They would have asked the same thing as you did..

Then, you will be looking at your feet, standing on this very Earth..

We just can't deny the fact that we are living in a reality world..

I know it's harsh.. she.. should know this too..

If everything are so messed up for her, why she kept this quiet for herself..?

"Why don't you talk about this with your friends?"

And it was so unexpected for me she would say something like this..

"What friends?"

It startled me.. why would she give such answer?

I asked her again, about the one that she always talked to..

"Her? That one? Not that I'm being ungrateful or something.. but she was pretending.. caring about me and all of it was just a fake.. nope, it's a temptation of desire and lies.. fuck that"

I'm sure she didn't mean it that way..

I know it.. because I am her in any way..

.. it's just.. same person with different personalities..

Sounds ridiculous right?

It's the truth though....

Reminds me of someone saying this..

"We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality...."

I wish that she..

Well, she will know this..

"Stop lying to yourself, believe in yourself.."

Though I know that there's nothing I could do to change her view..

"The naked truth overflows.."

All in my life there's just one thing I want to do for her..

"I just want to protect you.."

I think I've said too much for this..

I bet that she will get angry at me for posting this..

Anyway, just changed the background music.. hope she like it..

Reality.. or illusion....