Heartless

I know what you're going to say..
"Random topic, again?"
Yes, it is.. 
Toushite? Sore o nani ka no machigai? 

Anyway, I was wondering if you ever have tried being a "heartless person" for a reason.. 
Um.. wait.. do it need any reason for that?

Heartless, one without feeling, emotion and never cares about the others..
I've once.... no.. a lot of time, I was like that.. even now.... 

It keeps running through my mind, this "heartless" word..
It reminds me of someone.. someone that I've known long time ago.... and that person, betrayed me..

Not once.. a lot of time.. so much it hurts.. it fucking hurts..
Tch, I go "f" again there..
I couldn't refrain myself from using that word.. 
But somehow, it's the best to let it out with no self-control, right?
Well, maybe it's not the best way, but it's one of the way to go for it.. right?
Okay, so I go right again twice..
Never mind that.. 

Let's get to the point..
What is your way of being heartless to someone?
.............. me?
I'm not even sure myself..
Ahaha, I'm so silly right? To say that I'm also heartless, but forgot about how the way I am when I was at it..


Maybe, ignoring someone that cares about us?  
They cared about you, enough to made themselves suffer because of us..
But we ignored them just like that, never appreciated for what have they done to us..
The reality isn't like that.. while it seems that we didn't seem to appreciate it.. in our heart, we did.. but words
can be cruel with lies and not everyone would believe it..  
We're supposed to say something to show our appreciation but what we did is "vice-versa" from the truth..
We DID said something else from our own thoughts..  
Yea, we really did want to say something that would show our appreciation to someone who cares about us,
but.. we did screwed up, telling lies to them saying harsh cold words which really hurts their feeling, leaving a
deep wound inside of their hearts..
Why is that? When we tried so hard telling them truth, but our heart and mind did tell them something else..
No one can answer it except ourselves..  
Really.. I've done that, too.. I couldn't remember how many times I've done that.. 
Whatever it is, yea.. I'm such a cruel person..

Now that I remember a little..  
I used to be heartless, to someone that I.. love..  
No.. to someone that pretending to love me..  
No.. I don't like this.. I don't like to talk about this.. NO! NO! NO!! NO!!!! STOP!!!! Please!

I guess it's the best way to leave the matter as it is.... I'm sorry.......

I'm truly sorry.. something's wrong with me..   
There's definitely something wrong with me..
I'm not my usual self..
At times like this, my other self would always trying to comfort me..
Maybe not this time, but why?



Ahaha.. I'm pathetic..
Pathetically heartless..
Yea, that's me..



Reality.. or illusion....

Sadness

Sadness comes after hatred, right?

.. or so it seems..

I was never good at expressing my own feelings..

But I wanted to let it out no matter what..

Why sadness? Um.. doushitedesu ka..?

Well.. everyone's feeling it right?

I couldn't really say it well but..

From my own experience, I'd say that sadness is like a depressing emotion.. feeling of loss, helplessness..
Rather, it's painful even to think about it..
Everything that we did, somehow it came crashing down..
This heart feels black.. huge teardrops spilled from this closed eyes..
Dazzling, clear teardrops..


Ahaha.. what the damn heezy I'm trying to saying..?

Sadness.. wherever it comes to me, I cried.. every time I'm feeling it, there's always tears that I shed..
People are different.. right?
Some of them can bear the sadness.. some of them can't..
Some of them can hide the tears, while the others can't..

It comes with various reasons..
Whether it's comes from failure.. pain.. feeling of hurted.. betrayal.. or even anger....
It's strange, such a thing..
I am emotional, such an emotional person.. or maybe worse than that..

Despair..
My sadness, built from despair.. and anger; too..
I don't know, how long I can hold it inside.. anymore..

Is there's any place of hope for me..?

 














I don't think there's one.......


Reality.. or illusion....